Death of a Black Star

I didn't get a chance to read my horoscope this morning, so I'm a bit lost. I didn't know if I was supposed to exercise, i didn't know if I was supposed to beware of beehives or creative impulses, and I certainly wasn't warned about the time traveling that was going to occur between 7:25 and 8:21 at night.

I went through a whole mysterious flow of "this time _______ ago". For example, this time a week ago, I was admiring a gifted linguist's ability to capture my family's hearts and attention over chinese takeout. This time a year ago, I was getting ready for my final state championship indoor race of my high school career and talking to one of my future teammates. I've learned my lessons: i'm a bit more gifted at dinner entertainment and a much wiser runner, living and learning and moving on to the next day. I'm still talking with the future teammate (who is now my present teammate). He is one of my first examples of people I have become closer to over the internet rather than face to face, and this created quite an interesting situation when we finally talked in person. It wasn't very comfortable. We've reverted back to our internet-speak, and I think both of us prefer that. I like it because he's a pretty straightforward philosophizer once he gets talking past 10:00 at night. I'm not sure why he likes it...

Tonight's topic: feelings. He said I could write the feelings chapter in his future book "bad decisions and what we could have done to prevent them". I'm going to take this as a compliment, and leave it at that. I don't think it's appropriate at the time for me to start spilling out feelings on the internet, so for the record I'll just go with the statement that I have no feelings. Ever. This chapter is going to be a bitch to write.

One thing I am willing to write about though is the idea that "life can always get worse". Now, why is that such a comforting statement? For one, by making that statement, it is almost certain that the situation is going to become worse. And even if the situation does not get worse, thinking about a worse situation is not going to make you feel better. It's positively satanic! "Oh, it's only a scratch, you realize you could have gotten your arm chopped off, life can always get worse." Oh yeah, that's really peachy. When trying to get a firm head after a scrape against a guardrail on the highway, I do not want to be reminded of how close I was to toppling over the edge and almost certain death. I also want to point out that the person who usually says the cliche line is an outsider, like a policeman or a parent. And of course, for them, life could have gotten worse...they could have been in your position! It all ties into one of my favorite philosophical ideas: schadenfreunde. It's a German psychology word meaning pleasure derived from another person's pain, not because you are causing the pain, but because you are not the one in pain. See, the "life can always get worse" motif is not for the benefit of the traumatized person, but for the observer. Life can always get worse...see? But it wasn't your life this time! That's schadenfreunde. I had what I thought was a really good idea to write a book that showed schadenfreunde at it's ultimate levels, but then I realized sadly that almost every book already showed it, if you knew what to look for. Before I resigned myself to literary obscurity, I realized that even though my philosophical passion had been covered before, that didn't prevent me from writing another story about it. Shakespeare stole the hearts of centuries with his stories of passion and love, but that didn't stop following writers from taking their own stab at transposing feeling into words. Feelings into words....is it possible? I should remember to refer back to Shakespeare when I'm writing the chapter for "bad decisions". Maybe it will spark some ideas.

The story of the day:

There are three things my father told me. One was never think for yourself, ever—let his designated superiors make all the decisions, because they are older and smarter and wiser. Two was don’t try too hard, it’s not worth your time or effort. Three was simple: never get married.